SemiConscious Dot Org

Once upon a time, there was a girl who owned an HP TC1100 tablet computer. She loved the little tablet most righteously.

Then she met a boy who spilled a beer all over the keyboard of her nifty little tablet pc, rendering it all but useless. She was most vexed. (She subsequently dropped the tablet down the stairs and fried the hard drive, but the damage had already been done.)

The boy, being most abashed at what he had done, endeavored to fix the situation and give the girl her beloved tablet back. Surreptitiously, he purchased and installed a new, larger hard drive, installed Ubuntu to replace the wretched Windows operating system that had previously hung around the little tablet like an albatross, and scoured the Interweb Tubes for a replacement keyboard, which he finally purchased for the hefty price of 100 American dollars. Then, amidst much pomp and circumstance, he presented the reborn tablet pc to the girl, who decided on the basis of this present that she maybe loved him again.

And all was well forever and ever.

Except that he just spilled beer on the keyboard. Again.

It’s been 24 hours since I frantically attempted to wipe the spilled Magic Hat Hi.P.A. from betwixt the keys, and I fear the rescue operation has been a total failure. The keys stick like 57 bastards. Hell, it took me two infuriating hours to type the post you’re reading right now.

I don’t have a hundred clams lying around to buy another keyboard. Anybody know of a way to clean the beer from this one? And don’t say “run it through the dishwasher.” That doesn’t work, and I don’t have a dishwasher anyway. I’m looking for constructive suggestions, people. Let’s hear ‘em.

And just like the changing of the seasons or the return of the Salmon to Capistrano, old buddy Tannhauser has begun the semi-annual attempt to kickstart his blog. Here’s fervently hoping he sticks with it this time, as his ribald tales are all kinds of entertaining.

He’s long sworn that at least one of the main characters in his Stories Of Ale is modeled after yours truly, but quite frankly, I don’t see it. All the protagonists of his harrowing screeds are loud, cranky, misanthropic drunks.

Hey, why’s everybody laughing?

At last, someone has finally combined my two favorite pastimes:

Reading books and drinking beer.

That is all.

You thought last year’s hop fire was the worst possible disaster that could befall the beer lovers of the world, didn’t you?

Wrong, craphound! It’s about to get so, so much worse:

A hop shortage that has worried brewers for the past few months has now been joined by a barley shortage. That spells tight supplies for two of the three major ingredients in beer (the other is water).

“What it means is you’re going to see higher prices across the board, maybe a buck a six-pack,” said Marc Rubenstein, owner of Syracuse’s Middle Ages Brewing Co. He expects the price hikes to hit around February, mostly affecting smaller, craft beers.

But wait! It gets even worse still:

Beer lovers may also soon be cursing America’s nascent love affair with a much less tasty commodity, ethanol. As the US government presses hard for huge increases in production of ethanol for use as an alternative car fuel, farmers are taking heed. Feed-stocks that can be converted into the fuel, notably corn, are being rushed on to land that was once dedicated to other crops, hops included.

One result is a 25-30 per cent spike in the cost of feed for livestock. Soy bean harvests are down too and American cattle farmers are increasingly turning to barley to help feed their animals. But brewers also need malted barley for their recipes.

Yes, you read that right. The ingredients for our precious, precious beer are being used to feed farm animals so that the farmers can waste more time, land and effort supporting an environment-killing, energy-wasting boondoggle.

Grrrr.

But hey, at least all of us are in this together. All beer drinkers will feel each other’s pain. Right?

Wrong again!

Large commercial beer makers, such as Anheuser-Busch and Coor’s, are not as vulnerable to the hops shortage, because they are first in line with producers because of their buying power, experts say.

So, not only will beer be getting much more expensive, but the price increases will disproportionately affect those of us who like, you know, good beer. The benighted masses who favor fizzy yellow water with no flavor won’t notice a price increase at all.

Dear sweet mother of all that is holy and pure, this is a catastrophe. The situation is so dire, I might even have to start drinking (shudder) wine.

Ok, not really.

Man Calls 9-1-1 and Demands Beer:

Police said he called 911 numerous times and told the dispatcher he was out of beer and asked them to pick up more for him.

Poulin was transported to Windham Community Memorial Hospital after officers arrested him at his home.

Personally, I think this is a fantastic concept. Just think about how many alcohol-fueled accidents would be avoided if cops would just deliver beer to your house. I know that I’d certainly have more respect The Man if he was tooling around with cooler of ice-cold suds in his cruiser… instead of, say, assault rifles.

Time and time again, we’ve tried to inform you, the skeptical public, about the dire threat posed to the human race by the Monkey God and his simian followers. We’ve shown you irrefutable evidence of their fiendish plans to subjugate and enslave humanity… and still you refuse to listen. Not even the recent news that monkeys are now killing our leaders will wake you from your slothful ignorance, will it?

Ah, but if we told you the monkeys are gaining allies in their rampage?

Enormous, angry, drunken allies:

Six Asiatic wild elephants were electrocuted as they went berserk after drinking rice beer in India’s remote northeast, a wildlife official said Tuesday.

Nearly 40 elephants came to a village on Friday looking for food. Some found beer, which farmers ferment and keep in plastic and tin drums in their huts, said Sunil Kumar, a state wildlife official.

They got drunk, uprooted a utility pole carrying power lines and were electrocuted in Chandan Nukat, a village nearly 150 miles west of Shillong, the capital of Meghalaya state, Kumar said.

Do you finally get it now? The monkeys by themselves pose enough of a threat to our future existence; but now they’ve recruited assistance from animals big enough to devour the entire cast of The View for breakfast and not even get full! (And that, my friend, is a lot of empty calories.) Plus, they never forget.

God help us all when the monkeys and elephants inevitably develop the ability to manufacture, purchase, and operate firearms.

If you’re wracking your brains, trying to figure out what to get me, any of the items on this list will do quite nicely.

Aw hell, who am I kidding? Why torture yourself trying to choose between them? Just get me one of each, and we’ll call it good.

(link via The Authoritah)

As the five many regular readers of this blog may already know, I’ve tendered my resignation here at the ol’ liberry, effective at the end of the school year. The Special Lady Friend and I will be taking most of July on a leisurely cross-country drive back to Maine (our mutual homeland), moving into the house she inherited from her grandfather, and tying the knot on Labor Day weekend.

With less than two months to go before the big move, I’ve done hardly any packing or shipping of possessions, little or no job hunting, and virtually no planning for the renovation and insulation of a drafty, 120 year old house. I have, however, spent an inordinate amount of time planning the trip back, in order to hit as many national parks (and breweries) as humanly possible.

First we take the Pacific Coast Highway down the entire length of the Oregon and Northern California coasts (Hello, Rogue Ales, Redwoods National Park, and North Coast Brewing), staying with friends in Santa Rosa (home of Russian River Brewing) for a few days, then heading east on I-80 through the Tahoe area.

Then the part I’m really jazzed about: we ditch the interstate for 500 miles of US 50 through the Nevada and Utah deserts.

On US 50, we stop for a couple of days at Great Basin NP. This is perhaps the stop I’m most looking forward to, because it’s supposedly one of the most beautiful parks in the country, but virtually deserted because it’s so far out in the middle of absolute nowhere. Anyone been there?

Then we hook up with I-70 in Utah and swing through Capitol Reef, Canyonlands, and Arches National Parks, as well as Moab Brewery.

Then on to Colorado, where we will hit Black Canyon of the Gunnison and Rocky Mountain NP. Breweries on my list include New Belgium and Flying Dog. Knowing that Colorado is Mecca for brewpubs, I appeal to the crowd for other suggestions (preferably something within barfing distance of I-70.)

By the time we hit all the flat states, the frequency of national parks (as well as our money and patience for the drive) will have dried up considerably, so we’ll probably just haul ass from this point on. We do have to stop for a few days to see my mother and stepfather in Indianapolis, but I know from personal experience that Naptown is sorely lacking in both quality microbrews and nightlife.

After resting up a few days, we’ll finish our journey with a few days in the East’s most beautiful NP, Maine’s own Acadia, there to please the palette with multiple bottles of Cadillac Mountain Stout, Geary’s Hampshire Special Ale, Smuttynose IPA, and, well, anything brewed by Allagash.

Total trip: roughly 4,300 miles, three weeks, and many, many IBUs.

This is the itinerary as currently constructed. Of course, given the skyrocketing gas prices and my own suspicions about just how much fossil fuel the world has left, I may be scrapping the whole thing in another month or two.

Dear God in Heaven, NO!!!

YAKIMA, Washington (AP)—Federal investigators were set Tuesday to begin an investigation into a fire that ruined about 4 percent of America’s yield of hops, used as flavoring in the brewing of beer and ale.

Find a happy place….find a happy place…

Researchers announce that ingredient in beer may prevent prostate cancer!