SemiConscious Dot Org

“Half-Clad Man Flees Carnival, Then is Hit by Train”

With that beautiful headline, the inaugural post of this here little ol’ blog landed smack dab on the interweb tubes, five years ago today. From its humble beginnings as the “Drivel Sideblog” on my original (now defunct) website, it gradually took on a life of its own, jumping domains and changing names numerous times in a valiant and heroic quest to shed all but the most dedicated (and bored) of readers. A reverse-elite corps, if you will…

And today, 1,826 days later and the successful purging long complete, a robust, loyal readership of five hardy souls visits for their daily weekly sporadic fill of foul-mouthed misanthropic cynicism, political tirades, patently unfunny attempts at comedy, and fawning reviews of obscure, screechy metal bands.

And, of course, the real reason that people visit: Monkeys.

(Oh yeah, and there’s another anniversary coming up a few days after tomorrow’s blogiversary. I hear these things are pretty important, too…)

And just like the changing of the seasons or the return of the Salmon to Capistrano, old buddy Tannhauser has begun the semi-annual attempt to kickstart his blog. Here’s fervently hoping he sticks with it this time, as his ribald tales are all kinds of entertaining.

He’s long sworn that at least one of the main characters in his Stories Of Ale is modeled after yours truly, but quite frankly, I don’t see it. All the protagonists of his harrowing screeds are loud, cranky, misanthropic drunks.

Hey, why’s everybody laughing?

It’s amazing, when you quit the public library for a real job in the real world, how little time you have for frivolities like blogging.

Also, Happy Clusterfuck War Day.

You Know What’s Stupid? Everything I Don’t Understand.

Will you look at all this stuff I have neither the intellect nor the maturity level to process? What a load of crap. It’s in my face every day, doing lots of things I don’t have an immediate desire to do and saying things I can’t identify with at this stage in my life. How lame is that? I mean, what kind of pathetic loser would actually enjoy something that’s so incredibly not among my personal preferences? Not me, that’s for sure.

Just when you’re ready to give up on The Onion and conclude that they’ve lost it, they come up with something so effortlessly, transcendentally brilliant that you remember why you liked them in the first place. Too bad they can’t do this all the time…

(link via Chris. Since my friends don’t post to their blogs anymore, I’ll just keep on posting stuff they send me. It sure saves me the time and effort required to come up with my own material.)

Not a bad score, I suppose. One wonders whether or not I would’ve scored higher if I could ever, even for a little while, manage to curb my tendency towards potty-mouthed diatribes.

Ah well, I guess we’ll never know. Swearing is far too enjoyable to give up.

Wellsir, following The Goat’s sterling example, I took the plunge and signed up for NaBloPoMo. This is a deadly serious endeavor, and only the bravest and most diligent (and couchbound) of bloggers have the requisite steely courage to try it. In fact, I’ve been told that if I fail in the attempt, evil yard gnomes will crawl in through my bedroom window while I’m asleep and electrocute my testicles with a car battery. (It’s true! The terms of service I agreed to when I signed up said so! I swear!)

This should be interesting, because not once in the 5 years I’ve been blogging, either at this site or at its now-deleted predecessor, have I ever managed to post every single day for an entire month. Hell, most months I don’t even come close to that. So expect lots and lots of posts consisting of nothing but links and no original commentary whatsoever, except for the phrase “Heh. Indeed.” (Hey, it works for Instapundit, why not me?)

Anyhoo, I’m off to the basement with the laptop, a full pot of coffee, and my typing hat. There’s bloggin’s a-transpirin’. Send Cheetos!

Since Wordpress 2.3 was released three weeks ago, I’ve been meaning to upgrade, but concerns about whether all the plugins I use would still work (and general laziness) held me back. After reading about Jessamyn’s successful upgrade, however, I decided to take the plunge.

The upgrade process went without a hitch, and after testing out the new version for a few hours, I’m enjoying all the new features. First and foremost among these is the built-in tag cloud. Mmmm, tags.

In other news, the blog has undergone another name change. While googling for links to my site, I discovered that there’s another Heavy Metal Librarian. I don’t know if their site has been around longer than mine, but I was thinking of changing the site’s name anyway, so this is as good an excuse as any.

Anybody have any good site name suggestions?

Well, kids, it’s a sad day for the staff here at Heavy Metal Librarian. Last week, the Online Education Database released their coveted Top 25 Librarian Bloggers list, and yours truly was – gasp – not on it.

It pains me deeply to know that the folks at OEDB decided to use made-up “statistics” like “Google PageRank” and “Bloglines Subscribers” to determine their rankings, rather than the only number that really matters – namely, the three crisp, brand new twenty dollar bills I sent their editors. What the hell is this world coming to when a man can no longer cut corners and skip to the head of the line through the time-honored tradition of bribery?

What killed my chances? What did I do wrong? Was it the fact that at least 80% of the posts on this blog have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with libraries? And that I swear fucking constantly? Was it the fact that I pour mockery and derision upon anyone who dares to disagree with my opinions, which are never wrong? Or that it takes me about three months to get the same number of hits that most of those blogs receive per hour?

Would you people prefer I blog more about library issues? Why, are you having trouble sleeping? Seriously, have you actually read any of the blogs on that Top 25 list? It’s like mainlining Ambien! Sorry, people, my job title is “Librarian,” not “Professional Boredom Fetishist.” If I have to read one more “golly gee whiz” post about libraries with Flickr pages, I’m going to scrub my eyeballs with a Brillo pad.

Upon further, painstaking review of the posts on this blog, I have concluded that they are all brilliant, and that the fault cannot possibly lie with me. Nope, it’s pretty obvious who the weak link here is: YOU. Yes, you, my five regular readers.

I blog for the same reason all librarian bloggers do: namely, to feed my massive, rampaging ego. Sure, all the fawning, obsequious comments over the years have been great, but there’s only so many times I can be told how incredibly wonderful I am before the thrill starts to wear off. I want more. I want to debut at #1 in those prestigious rankings next year, and it’s up to all of you to get me there.

Get on this right away, and maybe I’ll start to forgive. Maybe.

When I found out about the Rate Your Blog page, I could barely contain the squeaks of anticipatory glee. I figured that my propensity for potty-mouth rants against our Preznit and God-fearing conservative Republicans would earn me at least an R, right?

Imagine my horror!

(link via World O’ Crap)

This…this is monstrous. In all my life, I have never been so insulted. My character and my sacred honor have been besmirched, and I won’t stand for it! Something must be done to fix this grievous miscarriage of justice!

(Draws deep breath)

FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKITY PIGFUCKER FUCKFACE!

There, that ought to fix my rating.

PS. Balls.

There’s an interesting article in April’s School Library Journal listing the do’s and don’ts of blogging about your job. And by “interesting,” I mean that I looked at the list and said “yup, did that…yup, did that…yup, did that too…shit!”

Now, granted, I never painted with my ass and posted videos of it on YouTube where my students could find it. (How they recognized their teacher by viewing his ass is something I’d rather not contemplate.) And I’ve never referred to students as “drugged out idiots” in my blog. (Nor would I ever do so, because they’re great kids, and because of what they’ve dealt with in their short lives, generally a hell of a lot stronger than most adults.) But, at one time or another, I’ve violated every single one of these:

Five Reasons Not to Blog

1. “I want to give them a piece of my mind!”
2. “Oh, the stories I could tell.”
3. “I think I can find some time at school…”
4. “Nobody will find out that it’s me.”
5. “It’s OK, I will keep it private.”

So come on, ‘fess up. How many of these have y’all broken? I won’t tell anybody. Honest.

(link via Tame the Web)