SemiConscious Dot Org

Why, scientists, why? Do you hate America that much? What other reason could there possibly be for the horrifying news that you are recklessly and foolishly giving Rubik’s Cubes to octopi?

Octopuses belong to the same family as slugs and snails, but scientists believe they are far more intelligent than their relatives. The researchers will give the 25 assorted creatures food and toys to play with, and record which limbs the animals use.

Claire Little, a marine expert at the Weymouth Sea Life Centre, explained: “Uniquely, octopuses have more than half their nerves in their arms and have been shown to partially think with their arms.
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Previous work has shown them to have a capacity for learning and surprisingly complex memories. In 2003 an octopus in a German zoo wasrevealed to have learnt how to open jars of shrimps by copying staff. The five-month-old animal opened the jars by pressing its body on the lid and grasping the sides with its eight tentacles.

(above: your doom)

Today, Great Cthulhu’s minions are solving popular puzzles from the 1980’s; tomorrow, they’re building suitcase nukes to char broil us all for their Master’s lunch! Thanks a lot, you bunch of Commie Atheist Objectively Pro-Elder God liberals!

(link via Pharyngula)

Today, after a bruising, 666 year primary battle, Great Cthulhu declared victory over Elder Party adversary Yog Sothoth. A spokessquid was dispatched from Cthuhu’s Sunken City of R’lyeh to conduct a press conference announcing the nomination. Unfortunately, in a tragic error that will ultimately hasten the grisly deaths of the entire human race, Aussie fishermen captured and killed the spokessquid:

The six-metre long, 230-kilogram squid was still alive when it was netted by commercial fishermen last night.

Fisheries Victoria says the creature is being kept in a freezer and will be transferred to the Melbourne Museum.

The museum is yet to confirm whether it will be used for scientific research or put on display.

(link via Pharyngula)

No official statement was issued by the Cthulhu For President campaign in reaction to this event, but since all reporters covering the candidate were summarily dismembered and eaten, it’s safe to assume that His reaction was not a positive one.

You may have all thought us premature for endorsing Great Cthulhu’s campaign last month, before he had even clinched the nomination. In the aftermath of this grievous insult to The Elder Gods’ dignity, who’s laughing now? Our pledge of eternal servitude will buy us a few extra horrific, blood-soaked moments on Earth, laughing and gibbering insanely as the rest of humanity is slurped unceremoniously into Great Chulhu’s stomach.

Jealous much?

Cthulhu Fthagn! Ph’nglui mglw’nfah Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn! Ia! Ia!

That it not dead which can eternal lie
And with strange eons even death may die.

-Abdul Alhazred, The Necronomicon

And at last, the hour has come round for this blog to once again issue its highly coveted 2008 Presidential endorsement. This time around, the sheer volume of concentrated evil inherent in the candidates caused far more protracted deliberation than normal. They have staked out some truly admirable positions in favor of widespread, indiscriminate slaughter and carnage.

Obama took the early lead with his promise to attack our ally Pakistan, but has since been thoroughly eclipsed by Hilary’s threat to nuke Iran. Both candidates’ potential death tolls, however, would pale next to those proposed by John McCain, who promises America 100 years of war and actively seeks the endorsement of loonies who openly pine for the Apocalypse. Truly inspiring, Senator!

Whatever to do? Who to choose? The wailing and gnashing of teeth could be heard from orbit! But, finally, the choice was clear, and it’s a familiar choice.

The human candidates in the race, potentially murderous though they may be, simply can’t compare with Great Cthulhu, whose policy platform consists of driving mad, then devouring, the entire human race. Not even Dear Leader can match Cthulhu’s record of spilled blood, however noble and persistent his attempts.

The final factor clinching our endorsement is Cthulhu’s stated promise to devour his loyal human servants last, thus insuring us a few precious extra minutes of life at your expense. As our race screams for a thousand years in the stomachs of The Elder Gods, such small mercies will be all important.

Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!

That is not dead which can eternal lie, And with strange aeons even death may die. – Abdul Alhazred, The Necronomicon

I was 13 years old when I first discovered the fiction of H.P. Lovecraft, the man who (along with Edgar Allen Poe) essentially invented the modern horror genre. In particular, I loved his most (in)famous short story, The Call of Cthulhu, and its ominous-sounding first paragraph:

The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far. The sciences, each straining in its own direction, have hitherto harmed us little; but some day the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the light into the peace and safety of a new dark age.

With that in mind, imagine my shock upon stumbling across this news story:

New Zealand fishermen have caught what is expected to be a world-record-breaking colossal squid.

Fisheries Minister Jim Anderton said the squid, weighing an estimated 450kg (990lb),took two hours to land in Antarctic waters.

Horror of horrors! It’s not bad enough that Teh Gay Agenda is loose upon the face of a terrified planet; now we have to worry about soul-sucking squid monsters from another dimension.

Now I know what you’re saying: “Aaron, I don’t think that, just because some fishermen hauled up a big-ass squid, it means that the human race will soon be swallowed whole by The Great Old Ones. You’re overreacting, man!” Well, my skeptical friend, let’s see if you’re so dismissive after you notice the eeries similarities between this:

Colossal squid, known by the scientific name Mesonychoteuthis hamiltoni, are estimated to grow up to 46 feet long and have long been one of the most mysterious creatures of the deep ocean.

.............

If calamari rings were made from the squid they would be the size of tractor tires, he added.

Colossal squid can descend to 6,500 feet and are extremely active, aggressive hunters, he said.

And this:

It represented a monster of vaguely anthropoid outline, but with an octopus-like head whose face was a mass of feelers, a scaly, rubbery-looking body, prodigious claws on hind and fore feet, and long, narrow wings behind. This thing, which seemed instinct with a fearsome and unnatural malignancy, was of a somewhat bloated corpulence, and squatted evilly on a rectangular block or pedestal covered with undecipherable characters.

Still not convinced? Check out a picture of the ferocious monster hauled from the deep last week, and compare it to the terrifying visage of Great Cthulhu. And if you aren’t quaking in your boots yet, consider that, according to the news stories, the colossal squid was caught in the vast emptiness of the southern ocean, disturbingly near to the rumored location of Cthulhu’s sunken city of R’lyeh. (Not to mention that the incident happened fairly close to Antarctica, home to Elder Things and even more terrifying Shoggoths.)

Alas, my friends, I’m afraid the evidence is overwhelming and incontrovertible. All of the Great Old Ones and Elder Gods are waking up, and will soon retake this world as their rightful territory and devour its current inhabitants (us.) There is no escape, and nothing you can do to avoid your horrifying fate. When your conscious soul screams in agony as you slowly digest inside Great Cthulhu’s stomach for a thousand years, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!

Then the liberated Old Ones would teach them new ways to shout and kill and revel and enjoy themselves, and all the earth would flame with a holocaust of ecstacy and freedom. Meanwhile the cult, by appropriate rites, must keep alive the memory of those ancient ways and shadow forth the prophecy of their return.
– H.P. Lovecraft, The Call of Cthulhu

The sad news we must inform you of today is that Great Cthulhu’s followers are still very much alive and among us, and they have recently stepped up their efforts to prepare mankind for His Return and subsequent Meal. Not one, but two Cthulhu-themed movies have been filmed recently; the first (and more traditional of the two) was screened recently at the Sundance Film Festival, while the second, more “modern” adaptation finishes shooting in mere days, and (horror of horrors) was filmed right here in Seattle! This can only mean one thing: His followers are strong here in the Northwest. Forget Innsmouth, watch out for the Columbia mouth! From there will He emerge!

We can see nothing but ominous portents in this news. In fact, we would not at all be surprised if these twin films are but the first public relations salvo in a Cthulhu For President ‘08 campaign. We sense that Great Cthulhu is tiring of the pitiful efforts of His appointed proxy on earth, George W. Bush. While GWB’s record of mayhem and senseless slaughter is indeed impressive, Great Cthulhu is hungry, and 35,000+ fatalities represent barely a midmorning snack for His prodigious appetites! We fear He has therefore decided to take matters into His own tentacles, and bring into hellish reality the official slogan of His most recent campaign: “Why Settle for a Lesser Evil?”

Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!

And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I’d like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.
– Kent Brockman

Giant jellyfish invade Japan!

Marauding monkeys attack Indian government!

Whale invades central London!

Crack addict squirrels! Drunken elephants! Protesting baboons! Alcoholic foxes! Pickpocket monkeys!

It is clear that The Furry Ones are rising against us. No doubt they are responding to the siren call of their risen master, Great Cthulhu. By the end of this year, the tattered remnants of humanity will be huddled in bomb shelters, desperately trying to avoid detection from the strike teams sent out by our simian, elephantine, and rodent overlords.

Best start getting acquainted with cannibalism now! It’ll save time later.

We warned you, didn’t we? Indeed, it was exactly one month ago today that we noted the first reappearance of the arisen Great Cthulhu in the remote waters of the north Pacific. We warned you that this was only the beginning, that soon the entire human race would be screaming forever inside the stomachs of the Elder Gods. And we harbored further fears: if one race of Lovecraftian monsters was awakening, might not other fearsome creatures also be arising from their long slumber? Specifically, we worried about a reappearance of the Great Old Ones, the ancient beings in Lovecraft’s work of “fiction,” At the Mountains of Madness.

From the master’s description:

”...Around equator, one at central apex of each of the five vertical, stave-like ridges are five systems of light gray flexible arms or tentacles found tightly folded to torso but expansible to maximum length of over three feet. Like arms of primitive crinoid. Single stalks three inches diameter branch after six inches into five substalks, each of which branches after eight inches into small, tapering tentacles or tendrils, giving each stalk a total of twenty-five tentacles.”

“At top of torso blunt, bulbous neck of lighter gray, with gill-like suggestions, holds yellowish five-pointed starfish-shaped apparent head covered with three-inch wiry cilia of various prismatic colors.

“Head thick and puffy, about two feet point to point, with three-inch flexible yellowish tubes projecting from each point. Slit in exact center of top probably breathing aperture. At end of each tube is spherical expansion where yellowish membrane rolls back on handling to reveal glassy, red-irised globe, evidently an eye.”

In spite of the overwhelming evidence, we clung to the forlorn hope that the hideous monstrosities might perhaps be extinct. However, we can no longer fool ourselves, for not two days ago, on a weekend getaway to the Oregon seashore with the Papal Concubine, we came across this abomination lying on the beach:

And there you have it: the evidence is incontrovertible. All of the fabled beings from the cursed pages of the Necronomicon are coming back to life. Soon, humanity will be driven completely insane by the tide of horror rising all around it. There is no escape! If the Elder Gods don’t eat you, the Old Ones will dissect you in the spirit of scientific inquiry. Ph’nglui mglw’nafh wagn’nagl fhtagn! Ia!! Ia!!!

By this time next month, we expect to have our first photographic evidence of a Shoggoth.

That cult would never die till the stars came right again, and the secret priests would take great Cthulhu from His tomb to revive His subjects and resume His rule of earth. The time would be easy to know, for then mankind would have become as the Great Old Ones; free and wild and beyond good and evil, with laws and morals thrown aside and all men shouting and killing and revelling in joy.

– The Call of Cthulhu

We all knew it was only a matter of time until Cthulhu rose from His ancient sleep at the bottom of the ocean and began His conquest of mankind. I’m sure there were many among you who hoped this wretched day would never come, but you can kiss that hope goodbye. Last month, in the remote waters of the north Pacific, scientists took the first-ever photograph of the risen Cthulhu. Look into the face of your doom!

Note that, from this angle, you cannot see mighty Cthulhu’s glowing red eyes, huge, flapping bat wings, or monstrous, razor-sharp claws. Nonetheless, it is He. The Great Old Ones have arisen, and will soon make all of humanity into a hearty breakfast. When your soul is screaming forever as you slowly digest in great Cthulhu’s stomach, don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Remember:

Jesus Saves, Allah Protects, and Cthulhu Thinks You’d Make a Nice Sandwich.

Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!

That is not dead which can eternal lie And with strange aeons even death may die. – The Necronomicon

It is with great pleasure that we note that the 20th century’s most influential horror writer, H.P. Lovecraft, is finally receiving the rightful place in the literary canon that has been so long denied him. The Library of America, a nonprofit publisher devoted to issuing the collected works of “serious” writers, has put together a handsome, 800 page hardcover tome which, for the first time, collects all of HPL’s best novellas and stories in one place.

We must admit that we were more than a little surprised to see a positive review of the Lovecraft collection, penned by a writer for the National Review, appearing in the Wall Street Journal. However, upon careful perusal of the HPL canon, certain unimistakable connections become perfectly clear. For instance:

That cult would never die till the stars came right again, and the secret priests would take great Cthulhu from His tomb to revive His subjects and resume His rule of earth. The time would be easy to know, for then mankind would have become as the Great Old Ones; free and wild and beyond good and evil, with laws and morals thrown aside and all men shouting and killing and revelling in joy.

– The Call of Cthulhu

Now, if that isn’t a dead-on description of the worldviews of both the Wall Street Journal and the National Review, I don’t know what is. Why, the entire passage could’ve come directly from a Project for the New American Century whitepaper!

But I digress. The prose of Howard Philips Lovecraft has inspired much more than just the conquest dreams of bloodthirsty neoconservatives: the novels of Stephen King, the songs of Metallica, numerous film festivals, and even the presidential election, to name just a few examples. Truly, this magnificent author, ignored and relegated to pulp magazines during his lifetime, has since attained unprecedented acclaim and respectability. Such a shame that, being dead, he’s not around to enjoy any of it.

Or…...is he?

Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!

Cthuugle.com: Search engine of the Elder Gods!

The best place on the web to search for information about those foul beings who ruled the earth for millions of years while mankind was still swinging from the trees, whose unspeakably vile visages appear to us as loathsome demons from our worst nightmares and have the power to turn us mad, and who will one day rise from the Depths and eat all mankind.

Strangely enough, searches for “Dick Cheney” and “George Steinbrenner” failed to turn up any results…