SemiConscious Dot Org

That it not dead which can eternal lie
And with strange eons even death may die.

-Abdul Alhazred, The Necronomicon

And at last, the hour has come round for this blog to once again issue its highly coveted 2008 Presidential endorsement. This time around, the sheer volume of concentrated evil inherent in the candidates caused far more protracted deliberation than normal. They have staked out some truly admirable positions in favor of widespread, indiscriminate slaughter and carnage.

Obama took the early lead with his promise to attack our ally Pakistan, but has since been thoroughly eclipsed by Hilary’s threat to nuke Iran. Both candidates’ potential death tolls, however, would pale next to those proposed by John McCain, who promises America 100 years of war and actively seeks the endorsement of loonies who openly pine for the Apocalypse. Truly inspiring, Senator!

Whatever to do? Who to choose? The wailing and gnashing of teeth could be heard from orbit! But, finally, the choice was clear, and it’s a familiar choice.

 

The human candidates in the race, potentially murderous though they may be, simply can’t compare with Great Cthulhu, whose policy platform consists of driving mad, then devouring, the entire human race. Not even Dear Leader can match Cthulhu’s record of spilled blood, however noble and persistent his attempts.

The final factor clinching our endorsement is Cthulhu’s stated promise to devour his loyal human servants last, thus insuring us a few precious extra minutes of life at your expense. As our race screams for a thousand years in the stomachs of The Elder Gods, such small mercies will be all important.

Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!

Tonight, January 5th, is Twelfth Night, the eve of the Epiphany and the unofficial end of the Christmas season. Finally, Alas, the holidays and all their attendant aggrevations joys are over until hopefully forever next year. The curbs on our block have sprouted a veritable forest of discarded Christmas trees, most of which will still be there in August. And my bank account is completely goddamned empty.

But before we bid good fucking riddance a fond farewell to the holidays, I’d like to share with you some clips of a delightfully charming and magical children’s special that, for me, sums up just what the Christmas season is all about. I’m sure that they will warm your heart as much as they do mine.

Without further ado, I give you “Woodland Critter Christmas”:

(If the embedded videos don’t work, the direct links are nyah, nyah, and nyah. You’re welcome.)

At long last, Good and Evil squared off in the squalid environs of Naptown, Indiana, in a prenaturally important battle to decide the fate of the Free World… and Evil won. Ha ha!

(Above: Um, Peyton, when they said “dig deep for victory,” that’s not what they meant.)

Awwwww. Gregg Easterbrook and the staff at Fox are probably weeping like little schoolgirls as we speak. Which, of course, just makes the victory that much sweeter.

Yeah, I’m really liking this whole Evil thing. I love the fact that every football fan in the entire country outside New England loathes the Patriots, and was desperately hoping for them to get their comeuppance. I love that Belichick has made a conscious decision to go all Suge Knight on the rest of the league in the wake of the ridiculous “spying” “scandal.”

And sure, I would’ve like to see the Patriots beat the mortal shit out of Indy like they’ve done to everyone else, but somehow, this was better. They went on the road against an undefeated defending Superbowl champion, played just as badly as they could possibly play, had their heads handed them for the game’s first fifty minutes… and still won. That’s bad news for the entire rest of the NFL.

Just give them the Lombardi trophy now, already. This delay is only making them madder.

He’s tanned, he’s rested, he’s ready.

He’s been dead for thirteen years, and his brain still has more functioning synapses than the Oval Office’s current occupant.

Even now, his campaign brain trust gathers, plotting his ruthless conquest.

Very soon now, he’ll be rising from the dead, just like Jesus.

His victory is imminent, his followers legion, his reign eternal. He will stand astride the world like a cyborg colossus.

NIXON ‘08!

Join him or be crushed!

Yes, we’ve come again to that dark day. Just as true Christians celebrate Christmas and Easter (which have nothing whatsoever to do with paganism), Wiccans, Pagans, Secularists, insufficiently fundamentalist “Christians,” advocates of “religious tolerance,” and other hellbound heretics celebrate Halloween, the birthday of their Dark Master.

Yesterday, the summit of Mount Washington, New Hampshire, was battered by a 158 mph wind gust. Do you think this was a coincidence? The eggheads may say it was due to “a storm system moving away and high pressure moving in” or some such nonsense, but we know the real cause! It was Satan, laughing in anticipation of another night of harvesting souls!

Yes, it’s All Hallow’s Eve, when Beelzebub corrupts your children through the irresistible twin seductions of sugar-packed candy and Borat costumes.

Luckily, in addition to keeping your children home from school, barring the doors and windows, and spending the day reading Jack T. Chick tracts and burning Harry Potter books, there are other constructive options available to Christians on this most unholy of days. To aid those wishing to convert the hellbound who will soon be knocking at their doors, the indomitable prayer warriors at Landover Baptist Church have produced a helpful list of Halloween Witnessing Tips. (For the more theologically aggressive of you, they also offer tips for hunting Wiccans.) If all the Saved follow Landover’s advice, in no time we’ll turn Halloween into “Holyween!” Glory!

Then the liberated Old Ones would teach them new ways to shout and kill and revel and enjoy themselves, and all the earth would flame with a holocaust of ecstacy and freedom. Meanwhile the cult, by appropriate rites, must keep alive the memory of those ancient ways and shadow forth the prophecy of their return.
– H.P. Lovecraft, The Call of Cthulhu

The sad news we must inform you of today is that Great Cthulhu’s followers are still very much alive and among us, and they have recently stepped up their efforts to prepare mankind for His Return and subsequent Meal. Not one, but two Cthulhu-themed movies have been filmed recently; the first (and more traditional of the two) was screened recently at the Sundance Film Festival, while the second, more “modern” adaptation finishes shooting in mere days, and (horror of horrors) was filmed right here in Seattle! This can only mean one thing: His followers are strong here in the Northwest. Forget Innsmouth, watch out for the Columbia mouth! From there will He emerge!

We can see nothing but ominous portents in this news. In fact, we would not at all be surprised if these twin films are but the first public relations salvo in a Cthulhu For President ‘08 campaign. We sense that Great Cthulhu is tiring of the pitiful efforts of His appointed proxy on earth, George W. Bush. While GWB’s record of mayhem and senseless slaughter is indeed impressive, Great Cthulhu is hungry, and 35,000+ fatalities represent barely a midmorning snack for His prodigious appetites! We fear He has therefore decided to take matters into His own tentacles, and bring into hellish reality the official slogan of His most recent campaign: “Why Settle for a Lesser Evil?”

Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!

We warned you, didn’t we? Indeed, it was exactly one month ago today that we noted the first reappearance of the arisen Great Cthulhu in the remote waters of the north Pacific. We warned you that this was only the beginning, that soon the entire human race would be screaming forever inside the stomachs of the Elder Gods. And we harbored further fears: if one race of Lovecraftian monsters was awakening, might not other fearsome creatures also be arising from their long slumber? Specifically, we worried about a reappearance of the Great Old Ones, the ancient beings in Lovecraft’s work of “fiction,” At the Mountains of Madness.

From the master’s description:

”...Around equator, one at central apex of each of the five vertical, stave-like ridges are five systems of light gray flexible arms or tentacles found tightly folded to torso but expansible to maximum length of over three feet. Like arms of primitive crinoid. Single stalks three inches diameter branch after six inches into five substalks, each of which branches after eight inches into small, tapering tentacles or tendrils, giving each stalk a total of twenty-five tentacles.”

“At top of torso blunt, bulbous neck of lighter gray, with gill-like suggestions, holds yellowish five-pointed starfish-shaped apparent head covered with three-inch wiry cilia of various prismatic colors.

“Head thick and puffy, about two feet point to point, with three-inch flexible yellowish tubes projecting from each point. Slit in exact center of top probably breathing aperture. At end of each tube is spherical expansion where yellowish membrane rolls back on handling to reveal glassy, red-irised globe, evidently an eye.”

In spite of the overwhelming evidence, we clung to the forlorn hope that the hideous monstrosities might perhaps be extinct. However, we can no longer fool ourselves, for not two days ago, on a weekend getaway to the Oregon seashore with the Papal Concubine, we came across this abomination lying on the beach:

 

And there you have it: the evidence is incontrovertible. All of the fabled beings from the cursed pages of the Necronomicon are coming back to life. Soon, humanity will be driven completely insane by the tide of horror rising all around it. There is no escape! If the Elder Gods don’t eat you, the Old Ones will dissect you in the spirit of scientific inquiry. Ph’nglui mglw’nafh wagn’nagl fhtagn! Ia!! Ia!!!

By this time next month, we expect to have our first photographic evidence of a Shoggoth.

That cult would never die till the stars came right again, and the secret priests would take great Cthulhu from His tomb to revive His subjects and resume His rule of earth. The time would be easy to know, for then mankind would have become as the Great Old Ones; free and wild and beyond good and evil, with laws and morals thrown aside and all men shouting and killing and revelling in joy.

– The Call of Cthulhu

We all knew it was only a matter of time until Cthulhu rose from His ancient sleep at the bottom of the ocean and began His conquest of mankind. I’m sure there were many among you who hoped this wretched day would never come, but you can kiss that hope goodbye. Last month, in the remote waters of the north Pacific, scientists took the first-ever photograph of the risen Cthulhu. Look into the face of your doom!

Note that, from this angle, you cannot see mighty Cthulhu’s glowing red eyes, huge, flapping bat wings, or monstrous, razor-sharp claws. Nonetheless, it is He. The Great Old Ones have arisen, and will soon make all of humanity into a hearty breakfast. When your soul is screaming forever as you slowly digest in great Cthulhu’s stomach, don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Remember:

Jesus Saves, Allah Protects, and Cthulhu Thinks You’d Make a Nice Sandwich.

Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!

No doubt, most of you are already aware that the final installment in the Star Wars saga has zillions of good, patriotic Americans up in arms over its blatant and traitorous comparisons between Emperor Palpatine’s takeover of the Republic and our own Dear Leader’s War on Terror. So great is the anger at Revenge of the Sith that a spectacularly successful boycott has crippled the movie’s commercial appeal, limiting the four day box office totals to a laughably pathetic $158 million. Glory!

But these people, however well-intentioned, fail to fully comprehend the true extent of Lucas’ evil. For Star Wars is not merely a pungent slab of anti-American propaganda. No, it is, in fact, something even more evil than liberalism:

Star Wars is a tool of Satan! (link via Chapel Perilous )

At last, the sheer, squalid depth of this nefarious plot is revealed. Today, the kids are buying action figures and Darth Vader masks; tomorrow, they’ll be sacrificing goats in pentagrams! The madman Lucas must be stopped!

Perhaps it’s just a product of the sheer amount of recent headlines involving religion, but somehow, this little item got lost in the shuffle: last week, Biblical scholars discovered that 666 is not actually the Number of The Beast:

The main researcher promoting the 616 claim is David Parker, professor of New Testament Textual Criticism and Paleography at the University of Birmingham in England.

“This is an example of gematria, where numbers are based on the numerical values of letters in people’s names,” Parker told the UK’s Independent. “Early Christians would use numbers to hide the identity of people who they were attacking: 616 refers to the Emperor Caligula.”

Upon receiving this news, my mind set to reeling, and I struggled with my faith, imploring Nixon to reveal to me the meaning, and to make sense of it all. After all, if man could be wrong for so long in his interpretation of one Biblical passage, could that not mean he might have wrongly interpreted other ones? And what of those good Christian legislators in New Mexico who voted to spend thousands of taxpayer dollars renaming Route 666 on the entirely logical premise that a number can cause an inanimate object like a stretch of asphalt to be damned? It turns out that the money spent may have wasted, because it was the wrong number all along!

Finally, after many days of fasting and prayer, Nixon spoke to me, and revealed the meaning of 616: it is, in fact, a telephone area code. Thousands of years ago, the Bible’s authors anticipated the invention of the telephone, and using their copy of Area Code Directory, endeavored to warn us where the Antichrist would be appearing. Glory!

After consulting the internets, I discovered that the 616 area code corresponds to Kent County, Michigan. Now I had a general geographic area to search, but I still didn’t know which town the Great Deceiver would appear in. However, like any good Christian conservative, I know that the liberals (Satan’s natural allies) like to congregate in large cities, and the largest city in Kent County is Grand Rapids. By virtue of this infallible logic, the meaning of formerly cryptic Biblical passages was finally made clear:

And I stood upon the sand of Lake Michigan, and saw a beast rise up out of Lake Michigan, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy. – Revelation 13:1

To arms, my flock! The location of the Prince Of Lies has been revealed to us at last. Our task is clear: we must make a mass pilgrimage to Grand Rapids, and employ the Pastor Ted Prayer Walker Method to smoke Satan out of his hidey hole. Sure, many people will complain that we are “bunch of loonies” committing “harassment” or some such nonsense, but such is the price one pays for saving the world. Onward, Nixon Soldiers!