SemiConscious Dot Org

A few months ago, I averred that this is The Greatest Music Video in the History of Mankind.

For the first time in my entire life, I was wrong about something.

(link via Raul Duke)

You’re welcome.

“I’m old, and everything today is worse than it used to be. Even rock stars today are wimps! Look at this tour rider from something called the Foo Fighters.

“Veggie soups? Metal forks and spoons? A half case of local microbrew? VEGAN MEALS??!?!?

“Flibbedy gibbet! Back in my day, when the Led Zeppelins went on tour, Jimmy Page used to have it IN WRITING that his hotel room would contain no fewer than three naked underage girls cavorting in a hot tub filled with baked beans, a quadrophonic sound system loaded up with a 78 acetate of Aleister Crowley reading the Necronomicon backwards, and an incense brazier made from a hollowed-out goat skull pumping clouds of pure Lebanese hashish smoke through the suite!

“Great Googly Moogly! I remember the good old days, when rock stars used to pillage your town like a bunch of naked, crazed vikings! You’d hide your daughters, and they’d find ‘em anyway with their laser x-ray vision! Why, back in the winter of ‘47, I myself was pulled off the street in broad daylight and molested by Mick Jagger and David Bowie at the same time! That’s the way it was and we liked it! We loved it!

“Now git the hell offa my lawn! Gaaaaa!”

(Gets up to leave, trips over colostomy bag, falls down, chokes to death on own dentures)

Best. Book. EVER:

I have several friends with birthdays coming up. Looks like the job of picking out presents just got a lot easier…

You Know What’s Stupid? Everything I Don’t Understand.

Will you look at all this stuff I have neither the intellect nor the maturity level to process? What a load of crap. It’s in my face every day, doing lots of things I don’t have an immediate desire to do and saying things I can’t identify with at this stage in my life. How lame is that? I mean, what kind of pathetic loser would actually enjoy something that’s so incredibly not among my personal preferences? Not me, that’s for sure.

Just when you’re ready to give up on The Onion and conclude that they’ve lost it, they come up with something so effortlessly, transcendentally brilliant that you remember why you liked them in the first place. Too bad they can’t do this all the time…

(link via Chris. Since my friends don’t post to their blogs anymore, I’ll just keep on posting stuff they send me. It sure saves me the time and effort required to come up with my own material.)

Best. Blog. EVER.

Who would have guessed that when you remove Garfield from the Garfield comic strips, the result is an even better comic about schizophrenia, bipolor disorder, and the empty desperation of modern life? Friends, meet Jon Arbuckle. Let’s laugh and learn with him on a journey deep into the tortured mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against lonliness in a quiet American suburb.

Some of my personal favorites:

(link via Tannhauser, aka Grand Poobah Barabas Maximus)

Also, Stuff White People Like (link via MaxLibris) and Monk-e-Mail (link via…um…shit, I forgot. Wicked sorreh.)

In honor of tonight’s Super Tuesday primaries, I thought I would compose a finely reasoned analysis of what each state’s results mean for the direction of the Presidential race, in the context of a larger essay on the future of American parliamentary democracy.

And then I thought, “who the hell would want to read that?”

So I’ve decided to just make fun of the candidates instead, by choosing an installment of my favorite online comic strip to represent each one. I chose to mostly lampoon Republican candidates, since they’re much easier to make fun of. Some have dropped out, some are unfortunately still running, all are loathesome.

Click each picture to read the corresponding comic strip…

Mike Huckabee:

Mitt Romney:

John McCain:

Ron Paul:

Fred “We Hardly Missed Ye” Thompson:

Rudy!

BONUS: Okay, one Democrat. Guess who?

And, of course, Our Preznit.

I would really love to have something profound and meaningful to say on this, the final day of NaBloPoMo, but quite frankly, I got nothin’. So check out this instead:

Yes, this is a real book.

Yeah, you wish, Chadwick!

Many have sought the crown, but I will bow to no one. Ask any of the patrons at my library. Hell, ask my family, friends, wife, ex-girlfriends, casual acquaintances, random passerby on the streets. They’ll all tell you the same:

There ain’t nobody more annoying annoyed than yours truly.

Hey, where’s everybody going?

The Good News:
Congratulations, Knights Templar! You’ve been cleared of heresy charges by the Catholic Church!

The Bad News:
This exoneration comes 700 years after you were burned at the stake. Whoops, sorry!

The Ridiculous:
The Vatican will be selling reproductions of the documents from the Templar trial for $8,377 per copy. I know what I want for Christmas!

The Even More Ridiculous:
“Descendants” of the original Templars are demanding a public apology from the Pope.

Are you serious? It took these people almost 800 years to apologize for the Inquisition, and 459 years to admit that the Earth does, indeed, orbit the sun. And you think they’re gonna say sorry to your dumb asses?

In a related story, after reading the decidedly banal and non-mystical first hand accounts of the Templar trial, Dan Brown was seen weeping hysterically over a pile of cancelled book contracts.

America, FUCK YEAH!
Coming again, to save the motherfucking day yeah,
America, FUCK YEAH!
Freedom is the only way yeah,
Terrorist your game is through cause now you have to answer too,
America, FUCK YEAH!
So lick my butt, and suck on my balls,
America, FUCK YEAH!

Jesus sez: “If I had actually existed, I totally would’ve been an American! Kick ass!”

Moses sez: “Ok, so I’m not technically a deity. But Yahweh told me he’s completely down with America bombing the shit outta people in his name! Rock on!”

Satan sez: “America is my favorite country EVAR!!!!1!!”

Note: Allah was too busy telling his followers to blow up school buses full of kids to venture an opinion on this important topic.

Buddha, on the other hand, wishes you all to know that all things, including America and terrorists, are transitory. Also, Bush and Ahmadinejad are both going to be reincarnated as dung beetles.