SemiConscious Dot Org

In these increasingly contentious times, librarians are often called to deal with complaints and/or challenges from patrons whose sensibilities have been offended by material in the library. Via Jessamyn, we learn of one librarian’s response to a challenged children’s book depicting a gay wedding:

Finally, then, I conclude that “Uncle Bobby’s Wedding” is a children’s book, appropriately categorized and shelved in our children’s picture book area. I fully appreciate that you, and some of your friends, strongly disagree with its viewpoint. But if the library is doing its job, there are lots of books in our collection that people won’t agree with; there are certainly many that I object to. Library collections don’t imply endorsement; they imply access to the many different ideas of our culture, which is precisely our purpose in public life.

Sure, this passage sounds measured, reasoned, sensible, and entirely consistent with the constitutional principles upon which this country has always operated. But we know the truth: such high minded rhetoric is merely a Trojan stalking horse for the insidious advance of The Gay Agenda, that fiendish supervillain who flies mincingly around the world in his fabulous pastel tights, zapping innocent heterosexual boys and girls with his Big Gay Laser of Gayness. One direct hit from this terrifying weapon will instantly turn the victim gayer than an Idaho Republican senator, gayer than an Oklahoma schoolgirl, gayer than a meth-smoking televangelist, gayer than the Gay Mayor of Gaytown.

Mein Gott! If we can’t count on librarians to protect our children from the Communist-inspired, objectively pro-terrorist notion that all people in this country deserve equal protection under the law, than who will?

Great Zombie Jesus, it looks like Christianity is, yet again, under dire attack from the insidious forces of The Gay Agenda!

(Awesome pic via Badtux)

For those of you who may not know, The Gay Agenda is a fiendish supervillain who works 24-7 to turn all of America’s God-fearing children gayer than the Mayor of Gaytown. This insidious character has many weapons: in addition to zapping people with his Gay Laser of Gayness, he also works his dastardly plots through his allies in the Big Gay Evil Liberal Media.

Luckily, however, Rev. James Dobson is here to protect us from the terrifying menace of gay penguins:

Candi Cushman, education analyst for Focus on the Family Action, said the complaints over books are well-founded.

“Most of these books don’t end up actually being removed,” she told Family News in Focus. “The few that do end up being removed are being removed mostly because they have sexual themes or are explicit.”

The book that topped the list this year was And Tango Makes Three, the story of “gay” penguins. It’s the second year in a row that a book with gay themes drew the most ire from parents.

“Parents have a right to object to their kids being exposed to material that they don’t feel like their child is psychologically prepared to handle,” Cushman said.

Unfortunately, these days, the allies of The Gay Agenda multiply faster than the offspring of “abstinence only” sex ed graduates. Chief among those who thirst to destroy America: J.K. Rowling! It wasn’t enough for this wanton trollop to write books specifically intended to turn children into Jesus-hatin’ witches. Nooo, she had to go and announce that one of her main characters is a homo:

Clearly, this Bride of Satan loathes Christanity with every twisted fiber of her being, and will stop at nothing to destroy it. Will no one answer the call to save our omnipotent, omniscient Lord and Creator from the dire threat to His very existence posed by the vile machinations of children’s book authors?

Yes, one man will. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Don Surber, Defender of Jeebus. Onward, brave, brave columnist! You do America proud, sir.

Today, we changed over all the monthly “Staff Recommends” book displays at the library, and as the new Head of Public Services, it was my turn to create one. As usual for me, I had to try and ruffle as many feathers at my new job as possible, taking advantage of the upcoming National Banned Books Week to create a “Read These Books To Annoy People!” display. Unfortunately, we had very few of the really controversial titles in the 100 Most Challenged Books list; no Anarchist’s Cookbook, no New Joy of Gay Sex, no Last Exit, no Sex by Madonna. We didn’t even have the most challenged book of 2006 (a children’s book about two male zoo penguins who raise and hatch an egg, which apparently enrages religious dingbats convinced that reading it will turn their younguns into agents of the Homosexual Agenda.)

Alas, my “controversial” display turned out rather tame. Ooooh, A Wrinkle in Time, how rebellious.

I thought I might quench my unfulfilled urge to offend by printing up and plastering the library with Banned Books Week posters. Unfortunately, the ALA’s offerings were, predictably, both lame and not free. See, this is the kind of thinking that has convinced me not to bother rejoining ALA. The library advocacy organization is going to make cash-strapped libraries pay for promotional materials to get more people into said cash-strapped libraries? What genius thought that one up?

Eventually, I did find some cool, free posters at the American Booksellers Foundation. (They do also sell promotional material, but their free posters are far more effective than anything on the ALA site.)

These days, we tend to think of efforts to ban or censor books as almost comical, the ravings of blinkered bumpkins who think Harry Potter is an Agent of Satan. But in this post-Patriot Act world, censorship has a darker, more insidious dimension. After all, if you know that law enforcement agents might someday pore through your borrowing records without your knowledge, would you check out that copy of Steal This Book or the Anarchist’s Cookbook or that medical textbook on deadly airborne diseases or Mein Kampf for your history paper on World War II? Or would you be too scared, fearing that someone might later think that reading controversial material was tanatmount to agreeing with it?

Our current government, more than any in recent memory, survives by fostering a climate in which the vast majority of citizens are frightened, stupid, and easily manipulated. If self-censorship due to fear of punishment becomes the norm, then they’ve already won. In this climate, reading controversial books is nothing less than an act of civil disobedience.

For years, Fundamentalists and other assorted wingnuts have been warning us that America risked destruction from an insidious menace known only as “The Gay Agenda.” Much wailing and gnashing of teeth has attended the relentless efforts of this arch supervillain to subvert and destroy Western civilization by shooting all right-thinking Americans with his Gay Laser of Gayness, thus turning everyone Gayer than the Gay Mayor of Gaytown. But, up until now, no one knew what The Gay Agenda looked like. How can one spot and thwart this dastardly threat, if his very appearance remains a mystery?

Well, you need wonder no further, for the face of The Gay Agenda has at last been revealed!

There he is, folks. Memorize that face, for it represents a more terrifying threat to America than Islamofascists, ACLU lawyers, Hollyweird, or even Liberals – combined! In fact, just looking at him makes me so angry that my forehead is beginning to throb and pulse.

(Oh wait, that’s not my forehead…Jeebus save me!)

Long time readers of this site know that, other than Islamocommunofascists and their Liberal allies, no group poses a greater threat to America than agents of the insidious Gay Agenda. These fiendish plotters never sleep, working overtime to subvert our Godly nation and turn us all gayer than the Gay Mayor of Gaytown. Few know, however, that the scope of the Gay Agenda is not limited to humanity; they also seek to subvert innocent animals to their sinful lifestyle.

Specifically, penguins!

Ever since the Reverend Fundamentally Oral Bill first alerted the nation to the dangers of Penguin Lust, we have been ever vigilant. When gay penguins were discovered in a Japanese zoo last year, we knew it would be only a matter of time until the Gay Agenda began its attempts to convince Americans that this deviant avian lifestyle is somehow “normal.”

How right we were:

The concerns are the latest involving “And Tango Makes Three,’’ the illustrated children’s book based on a true story of two male penguins – Roy and Silo – in New York City’s Central Park Zoo who adopted a fertilized egg and raised the chick as their own.

Complaining about the book’s homosexual undertones, some parents of Shiloh Elementary School students believe the book – available to be checked out of the school’s library in this 11,000-resident town 20 miles east of St. Louis – tackles topics their young children aren’t ready to handle.

Clearly, this is a crisis of Biblical proportions. If this vile book is allowed to remain on the shelves, impressionable young children might get the idea that an activity regularly practiced by penguins in the real world is somehow natural! Won’t someone think of the children???

To the ramparts, Prayer Warriors! We must defend our nation from the influx of mincing, effeminate flightless waterfowl. There are penguin souls to save! Glory!

The phone rang early this morning. We checked the number; it was Cardinal Ugenesis on the line. The good Cardinal is a strange and violent man, and although we are technically his superior, we knew better than to ignore the call and risk incurring his wrath.

“What?” we screamed into the phone. “Has The Rapture begun at long last? Are the wicked being boiled alive in their own effluvia?”

“Nothing so glorious,” he sighed windily. “Turn on the television.” Then he hung up.

And that was how we found out that one of our greatest allies, Pastor Ted Haggard, president of the U.S. National Association of Evangelicals, has resigned amid allegations that he paid a male prostitute for icky gay sex.

Not surprisingly, the America-hating, terrorist-coddling, god-denying Left has erupted in paroxysms of glee. Is it merely the chortling that one would expect from soldiers of Evil after learning that America’s most powerful evangelical had been deposed? We suspected it was more than that…

The more we thought about it, the more we smelled a rat. A gay rat. How could Pastor Ted, the man who pioneered the Prayer Walker Method for harassing and intimidating non-Christians into leaving town, be a homersexshul? At last, after much fasting and prayer, the answer came to us like a blinding bolt from above that zapped our forehead with a splitting migraine:

Pastor Ted is a stealth agent of The Left.

Twenty three years ago, agents of The Left doubtless found “Pastor Ted” in a bathhouse in the Castro District, and revealed to him his nefarious mission: “Move to Colorado Springs and found a megachurch. Gain thousands of followers in the city and millions more nationwide. Become a loud and vocal opponent of gay marriage. Gain the ear of the Republican Party and become good personal friends with George W. Bush. Then, on the eve of election in 2006, you are to reveal your true identity as one of the gays, thus causing mortal embarrassment to God’s Own Party and allowing we liberals to take over and hand the country over to the Terrorismists.”

It’s so obvious to us now, even a child could figure it out. Sure, many will deny or even make fun of this line of reasoning, but such people are America-haters, and probably French.

(UPDATE – 11:10am) Huzzah, it appears that The Left has outsmarted themselves once again! With all the attention being paid to Leftist sleeper agent Pastor Ted, the fact that a nuclear bomb construction guide has been posted on a government website for eight months is being roundly ignored! Serves you right, Lefties!

With the Satanic Pagan holiday Halloween just around the corner, it seems an opportune time to inform our loyal readers that America is quickly being taken over by monsters. And by “Monsters,” we of course mean “Liberals.” It’s not enough for The Left to undermine the War On Terra™; no, the propogation of their vile creed requires that they also destroy America from the inside, by undermining the traditional family.

Sadly, it appears their efforts may have succeeded. For the first time in the 230-year history of God’s Favorite Country, godless sinner households outnumber proper, Heaven-bound married households.

What it boils down to is that our Shining City On A Hill is under attack from legions of mincing, lisping, immaculately dressed Visigoths. It’s getting so that a proper Christian can no longer do his Godly duty and discriminate against the gays without fear of opposition! Moreover, the business world, formerly the exclusive arena of men while the women stayed home to serve Christ in domestic servitude, is being overrun by hordes of heavily tattooed sluts! For two hundred years, Our Nation survived on a rigid, morally upstanding code of “Man in Office, Woman in Kitchen, Gays in Closet.” Now that code is crumbling down around our ears!

We’re not sure if this loathsome trend can be reversed, if the hedonistic slutty-dressing body-inking kinky-sex-loving sin-living new majority can somehow be forced back towards the proper conservative lifestyle that has proven so spectacularly successful in The Red States. But the news is not all bad: if, indeed, we must write off this generation as irrevocably Hellbound, there is still hope for the future. After all, we can always outbreed them.

Glory!

It started innocently enough, when we came across a link to a series of articles at Reverend Dobson’s website, offering helpful tips on spotting latent homosexuality in your preteen and heading off the insidious affliction before it can take root. Imagine, then, our horror when we looked at the list of homosexual “warning signs” and saw such items as

1. A strong feeling that they are “different” from other boys.

2. A tendency to cry easily, be less athletic, and dislike the roughhousing that other boys enjoy.

3. A persistent preference to play female roles in make-believe play.

4. A strong preference to spend time in the company of girls and participate in their games and other pastimes.

5. A susceptibility to be bullied by other boys, who may tease them unmercifully and call them “queer,” “fag” and “gay.”

Feeling different, disliking sports, and being bullied as a child make one gay? Good Lord! Everyone we know must be queer!

This terrifying revelation upset us so much that not even the soothing words of Saint O’Reilly or the latest wacky escapades of Umbert, the Talking Cartoon Fetus could cheer us up.

Luckily, however, like a Beacon in the Darkness, we stumbled across a site that promised to ease our confusion. The Biblical Worldview Test offers the Godly an assessment of their worthiness for Heaven, based upon their answers to a series of questions about politics, religion, and current events. At last! we thought in eager anticipation. A way to reassert our Christliness and ease our troubled mind.

Imagine, then, our shock and dismay upon taking the test and receiving our results:

Your classification is: Communist/Marxist/Socialist/Secular Humanist Worldview Thinker

Your score is: -49 points of 170 possible, -28%

Horror upon horror! In a test where 170 points equals a Guaranteed Express Ticket to Jeebusville, we scored negative forty nine!!! Hellbound! Why, if this test were true, we would be no better than those Godless Commie Liberals who viciously mock and slander mega-churches out of a mistaken assumption that football stadium-sized crowds and billions of dollars in income have nothing to do with Jesus.

However, we solved this apparent conundrum the way a good Conservative Christian always deals with issues that may contradict some tenet of their previously held faith: We decided, upon further reflection, that this test could not be what it purported to be, but must instead be a Trick of Satan, deliberately placed on the Internets to test our Faith.

Problem solved! Praise Nixon!

Lo these many years has the sneaky, insidious Homosexual Agenda been on the warpath. Long before Reverend Dobson outed Spongebob, and even before Reverend Falwell exposed Tinky Winky, we had Fundamentally Oral Bill, the original prophet crying in the wilderness, and his clarion call to rouse a complacent America to the danger in our midst: Penguin Lust.

Sure, they laughed at Bill back in 1988, but who’s laughing now? For years, we’ve read terrifying stories detailing the spread of homosexuality amongst the world’s penguin population. Heck, the Liberal Media’s ceaseless attempts to “legitimize” this deviant avian lifestyle even led to a gay penguin running for President. (We’re pretty sure that the penguin’s candidacy siphoned off crucial support from Ralph Nader, thus undermining his bid to undermine John Kerry’s bid to undermine George Bush’s bid to have himself crowned Emperor For Life. But that’s a story for another day.)

Well, no more will the defenders of Decent, Family-Friendly Penguindom take this lying down. We’re fighting back, by gum! Yep, we’re gonna turn those homo penguins straight.

However, as the article points out, the attempt, while noble,

...may not be as successful as hoped after earlier experiments revealed great difficulties in separating homosexual couples.

In case they show no interest, the zoo has also flown in two new male penguins “so that the ladies don’t miss out altogether”, Kueck added.

Good thing they’re taking those sensible precautions. We don’t want the lady penguins, should they be rejected, to turn as les-bionic as your average Oklahoma high school student.

Onward, Christian Flightless Waterfowl! There are penguin souls to be saved. It won’t be easy, but then, The Lord’s Work never is.

Gay monkeys in China!

Curse you, Massachusetts Supreme Court! Do you see what you’ve started?

We should start a collection to buy Fred Phelps a plane ticket to China so he can go protest against the monkeys. And while we’re at it, we could conveniently forget to buy him a return ticket…