What the rambling ring-tailed hell is wrong with everything? I’ve told everything to shape up, time and time and time again, but still everything utterly refuses to do what I command. I’ve had it!

Well, I don’t have to take everything’s bullshit any longer, because Giblets has finally done what needed to be done:

Attention everything! You are stupid and flabby and pointless and have not been pulling your weight and giving one hundred and twelve percent and with the growth in the last quarter and the new industry realities and the productivity and the GDP and the whatnot a lot of you have to go. Shut up Giblets is talking! The following things are fired, effective immediately! Pack yourselves up and file out the back when you hear your names called. Do not stop to pick up your severance packages, severance packages have been fired!

Yeah, that’ll wipe the smug, condescending smirk off everything’s face.

Bathe With Jesus.

(link via Cardinal Ugenesis Nixon Thunderfawk. It’s not my fault!)

Some things, once seen, cannot be unseen. I will now go scrub my eyeballs with Brillo pads.

The Church of the Latter-Day Dude.

Come join the slowest-growing religion in the world – Dudeism. An ancient philosophy that preaches non-preachiness, practices as little as possible, and above all, uh…lost my train of thought there. Anyway, if you’d like to find peace on earth and goodwill, man, we’ll help you get started. Right after a little nap.

May your White Russian always be cold, and your life mercifully free of Carpet Pee-ers. Selah.

For further instructions, consult the Smoking Head of Bob.

Best. Book. EVER:

I have several friends with birthdays coming up. Looks like the job of picking out presents just got a lot easier…

17

Only seventeen? That’s it??!?!? Fer chrissakes, you just know that Dick Cheney beats up 17 five year olds every morning before breakfast.

If I had any honor, I would now commit ritual seppuku to atone for the shame I’ve brought upon myself and my family.

Is it true??? Can it really be true? Christ on a cracker, it is!

FAFBLOG IS BACK!!1!!

(Props to Keith for noticing this momentous event.)

Goddamit, this had best not be a cruel joke at humanity’s expense. Fafblog went dead, suddenly and with no warning whatsoever, almost a year and a half ago. It took me a long time to get over the loss, but I finally made it through the Five Stages of Grief and was able to go on with my life.

Now they’re back, but the cynic in me can’t help but notice that their glorious return occurred on none other than April 1st. And there’s nothing more aggravating than some would-be comedian posting a bunch of silly horseshit they don’t really mean, just because it happens to be April Fool’s Day.

There’s a special place in Hell for people like that.

Best. Blog. EVER.

Who would have guessed that when you remove Garfield from the Garfield comic strips, the result is an even better comic about schizophrenia, bipolor disorder, and the empty desperation of modern life? Friends, meet Jon Arbuckle. Let’s laugh and learn with him on a journey deep into the tortured mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against lonliness in a quiet American suburb.

Some of my personal favorites:

(link via Tannhauser, aka Grand Poobah Barabas Maximus)

Also, Stuff White People Like (link via MaxLibris) and Monk-e-Mail (link via…um…shit, I forgot. Wicked sorreh.)

Destroy the website of your choice with NetDisaster! Unleash nukes, plagues of wasps, machine gun fire, cow dung, etc. I had a grand ol’ time peeing on Bill O’Reilly’s face... until I realized that he’d probably enjoy something like that.

(link via Library Chronicles)

If you thought the Anal Seepage Song was funny, then get a load of this catchy little ditty.