SemiConscious Dot Org

I remember taking this test once before, way back in the innocent, halcyon days, when people still labored under the quaint and touching childlike faith that the Interwebs would be used for something other than p0rn and stolen music and the eBays. Yesterday, I stumbled across the test again, and figured I would retake it to see if, in the intervening years, I had improved at all as a person and possibly become any less irredeemably Hellbound.

Nope.

The Dante’s Inferno Test has banished you to the Sixth Level of Hell – The City of Dis!

You approach Satan’s wretched city where you behold a wide plain surrounded by iron walls. Before you are fields full of distress and torment terrible. Burning tombs are littered about the landscape. Inside these flaming sepulchers suffer the heretics, failing to believe in God and the afterlife, who make themselves audible by doleful sighs. You will join the wicked that lie here, and will be offered no respite. The three infernal Furies stained with blood, with limbs of women and hair of serpents, dwell in this circle of Hell.

Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Wow, still a heretic. I’m assuming that comes as a profound shock to you all.

So who’s the Most Evil Person in the hizzle?

If there’s one thing we know for sure, it’s that the redemptive power of prayer can save any sinner, bring any Child of Satan out of the darkness and into warm glowing warming glow of Christ’s love. This simple fact was never made clearer to us than last Friday, when it was our pleasure to see a heartwarming movie about just such wholesome redemption.

A movie called Tenacious D in: The Pick of Destiny.

Like all movies of Christian redemption, this one starts out ominously, as our protagonists (two mysterious, inscrutable fellows known only as JB and KG) wallow, nay, revel in sin and debauchery.

Their quest is to become the greatest rock and roll band in history. Since every good Christian knows that rock and roll is The Devil’s Music, we realize instantly that their path will be a dark one, but even this foreknowledge leaves one unprepared for the shocking hedonism that follows. For, the object of these two sinners’ quest is a mythical guitar pick made from the tooth of none other than Satan himself! To obtain this demonic object, they must steal it from the Museum of Rock and Roll, which involves a perilous five hour quest up to Sacramento in a car borrowed from their friend Lee. On this danger-fraught deathride, they encounter many strange and menacing characters and face, at every turn, ominous threats to their immortal souls. (Also, they crash a sorority party, swear constantly, smoke copious quantities of marijuana, and stop for food a couple of times.)

After successfully stealing the cursed Pick from the Museum, we fear that our heroes will be forever doomed to the soul-crushing drudgery of rock and roll stardom. Worse still, Satan arrives on the scene, reclaims his lost tooth, and prepares to subsume them into the depths of Hell, where he promises to do unspeakable, totally gay things to KG’s bodily orifices for all eternity.

But then, just when all appears lost, redemption appears! JB challenges The Great Deceiver to a Rock-Off for their immortal souls. The battle that follows is epic and harrowing; when Lucifer whips out his guitar, screams “CHECK THIS RIFF, IT’S FUCKIN’ TASTY!!!!” and proceeds to shred, we fear all is lost.

Nevertheless, our friends’ deep and abiding faith in the power of Christ allows them to successfully chop off one of Satan’s horns, which condemns him to return to the netherworld from which he came. JB and KG are safe! And all because of Jesus.

As one might expect from any movie with such a dark and emotionally charged theme, reviews have been mixed; fans and naysayers are split almost evenly down the middle. We feel that the negative reviews can be chalked up to nothing more than the Liberal Secular Media up to its old Christian-hating ways. They don’t want you to see this wholesome tale of redemption, fellow Believers! If you want to strike a blow against the Creeping Secularism which threatens to banish God from our public discourse entirely, you must go see Tenacious D in: The Pick of Destiny. Your very soul may depend on it. Glory!

Huge crack in the earth opens in Texas.

Geologists said Tuesday the crack was a joint in the earth’s crust. They believe the opening is the result of a weak point in the joint where one spot slips away from the other.

Needless to say, we were immediately skeptical that this could be the result of natural causes, so we started calling around. Our primary suspect, Cthulhu, strongly denied any involvement, stating “Look, buddy, R’lyeh ain’t exactly Club Med, but why would I want to move to a dump like Texas? I do have some standards.”

“Ph-nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!” he added before hanging up on us.

We next turned attention to our alternate suspect. When reached for comment, Satan replied “Yeah, I’m behind the crack in the earth. We’re running out of room in Hell, what with all the crazed Jihadists who think their god wants them to strap bombs to themselves and blow up strangers, and all the crazed Christians who think Jesus is fine with making up reasons to invade countries and holding people indefinitely in prison without charges and torturing them.

“This new flood of Damned Souls has made things very crowded down here, so I’m annexing Texas. Last week’s Supreme Court ruling states very clearly that I can take it via eminent domain. And besides, we’re talking about Texas. Most of the inhabitants are going to end up down here eventually, and most of them won’t be able to tell the difference anyway, so why not speed up the process?”

The GOP, realizing that the loss of Texas’ 21 Republican Congressmen and 2 Republican Senators into the depths of Hell would severely weaken its chances of holding onto control of Congress in 2006, sprang into action. A $666 trillion spending package to finance an invasion of Hell was quickly introduced into the Senate. When Senate Democrats, noting that Hell’s demons are immortal and thus impervious to any known weaponry, filibustered the bill, the White House joined the fray. Senior political advisor Karl Rove lashed out:

Conservatives saw the savagery of Hell’s annexation of Texas and prepared for war; liberals saw the savagery of Hell’s annexation of Texas and wanted to prepare indictments and offer therapy and understanding for our attackers.

Democrats responded angrily, pointing out that since Rove and numerous other high-ranking Republican war supporters successfully avoided military service during previous invasions of Hell, it was a little hypocritical for them to be questioning others’ patriotism now.

We expect the rhetoric on both sides to escalate in the coming weeks, as the Hellish crack widens across more of Texas, inching closer and closer to the President’s vacation ranch in Crawford and Tom Delay’s congressional district near Houston. “Oh yeah, I’m gonna enjoy this,” Satan was heard to say, cracking his knuckles.

Stay tuned for periodic updates to this developing story.

If Dante was right, and the punishments of Hell are specifically tailored to each individual, I now know what my personal Hell will be.

Previously, I always figured that, when I arrived in Hell, I would find myself in an automobile, driving along Interstate 40 in Texas. Both lanes would be occupied by cars driving exactly seventeen miles per hour. The cars would be right next to each other, and there would be no shoulder or breakdown lane, leaving me no way to pass them. And the radio in my car would be stuck on a station playing Fleetwood Mac’s Rumors over and over and over, with no way to either change the channel or turn it off.

Forever.

Yes, a truly horrific vision, I know.

For years, I have always assumed that’s the scenario I would face when I died and met a punishment made inevitable by a lifetime of sin, debauchery, and lack of respect for God and Capitalism.

But no more.

For today, I have seen firsthand the true face of Hell, and it is a face so gruesome as to make even the horrors of Fleetwood Mac pale in comparison.

Hell is trying to teach a library full of ADD-afflicted second graders how to use PowerPoint.