Bathe With Jesus.

(link via Cardinal Ugenesis Nixon Thunderfawk. It’s not my fault!)

Some things, once seen, cannot be unseen. I will now go scrub my eyeballs with Brillo pads.

So, you think you’re ready for the Rapture, do ya? Bags packed, infidels mocked and taunted, hilarious bumper sticker affixed to automobile? Perhaps you’ve even followed our advice and arranged to have post-Rapture emails sent to your Hellbound friends and relatives, imploring them to repent. Yes, you’ve thought of everything.

But what about your pets?

It’s a scientific fact that pets, having brains too primitive to read and understand the Good News of Christ’s undying love, are thus unsaved and disqualified from Heaven. And with all the Christians gone, who will feed and care for your precious Woogums in the blood-soaked, sulfurous wasteland of terror and agony that Earth will have become?

Christians, I give you Post-Rapture Pets.

Pet Sitters

• You should have multiple back up sitters available in case your primary sitter is taken up in the Rapture.


• You’ll also need some kind of system to alert them that you’ve been taken up. You’ll probably need to have some kind of prepayment plan, since you won’t be around to write checks.


• For advice on picking a pet sitter, check out Evaluation

Pet Food

• You’ll need some kind of auto dispenser as well. The Rapture and Tribulation times will be very chaotic, so something with a battery backup may be a good idea.


• This should only be needed for a short time assuming you’ve made other arrangements for them through a sitter or friends.

(link via Technoccult)

If you’re like us, you spend your free time twitching with barely-contained glee at the thought The Rapture’s imminent onset. Lo, what an glorious day that will be, when Jesus returns to earth to burn the wicked to a cinder with his fiery laser breath. But as awesome as it is to think about all the Athei-femi-lib-homo-slamic-vega-fascists who will burn in Hell forever for their hideous, unforgivable crime of not believing in Christ’s undying love, there remains the disturbing possibility that some people you don’t want to see punished will be – namely, your friends and relatives!

After The Rapture begins, the Two Minute Warning on their immortal souls will have officially passed, and they will be Out Of Time Outs. If only there were some way for you to warn them that they should stop believing in Reason or Free Will or whatever ooga-booga false gods they worship, and defect to Team Jesus toot sweet! But, being a Christian, you’ll already be in Heaven! However could you get a message to them?

Why, how about via email?

The unsaved will be ‘left behind’ on earth to go through the “tribulation period” after the “Rapture”...Imagine how taken back they will be by the millions of missing Christians and devastation at the rapture. They will know it was true and that they have blown it. There will be a small window of time where they might be reached for the Kingdom of God. We have made it possible for you to send them a letter of love and a plea to receive Christ one last time. You can also send information based on scripture as to what will happen next. Each fulfilled prophecy will cause your letter and plea to be remembered and a decision to be made.

“WHY” is one last chance to bring them to Christ and snatch them from the flames!

As thrilled as we obviously are at the concept of being able to email our wayward acquaintances after we’ve been magically floated off to Heaven, we do admit to a lingering question or two: for instance, who will actually send the emails? Since the folks running this website are no doubt Christians, they’ll be on the first shuttle off this rock. Will the server room be manned by some sort of “RaptureBot,” equipped with a temperature gauge and air pollution meter? As soon as they ambient room temperature tops 500 degrees and/or the level of brimstone in the air tops 20 parts per million, the robot will click “Send?” And who will be sitting around checking their email, post-Rapture? Will there actually be any electricity, or will the global societal breakdown cause widespread power outages or…

Whoops! That was close. For a second there, we were starting to succumb to the Demons of Doubt, Logic, and Critical Thought! This isn’t a time for Logic; it’s a time for Faith. We’ll leave those pesky questions to the folks at You’ve Been left Behind. And at $40 per year per person, they’ll surely have the resources to iron out the details. Glory!

(Yet another link via the damp, fetid brainpan of Dr. Theophrastus Bombastus von Hohenheim)

Short answer: no.

Slightly longer answer: Aw, HELL no.

Maybe one of the creators of the original, cheesy 70’s series was Mormon. Maybe the current show’s “Lost Tribe” mythos has some superficial similarities with Mormonism (and about a dozen other religions.) So? If The Best Show on TV™ was designed as a secret Mormon recruitment tool, they’ve done a lousy job of it: morally ambiguous, three dimensional characters; the principle adherents of the One True Religion being the Bad Guys; many different philosophical viewpoints presented without any being favored; and lots of drinking, swearing, and screwing. You know, sort of like real life.

As Keith points out, fiction (and science fiction) whose primary purpose is to advance one philosophical or religious agenda almost always sucks, because character development and story believability is inevitably sacrificed for the purpose getting across the author’s agenda. The result is a story that is boring, stilted, and predictable, with two dimensional characters doing idiotic things for reasons that never ring true. That, and lots of windy moralizing and long, boring speeches. In short, the end product is terrible and unreadable. (See: the Left Behind series; any Ayn Rand novel ever written.)

BSG will go down as one of television’s artistic pinnacles, precisely because it avoids all those pitfalls.

All of you Hilary supporters out there who are clamoring that Florida’s primary votes MUST BE COUNTED!!1!! might want to have a gander at this story first:

Substitute teacher Jim Piculas does a 30-second magic trick where a toothpick disappears then reappears.

But after performing it in front of a classroom at Rushe Middle School in Land ‘O Lakes, Piculas said his job did a disappearing act of its own.

“I get a call the middle of the day from the supervisor of substitute teachers. He says, ‘Jim, we have a huge issue. You can’t take any more assignments. You need to come in right away,’” he said.

When Piculas went in, he learned his little magic trick cast a spell that went much farther than he’d hoped.

“I said, ‘Well Pat, can you explain this to me?’ ‘You’ve been accused of wizardry,’ [he said]. Wizardry?” he asked.

(link via Badtux the Snarky Penguin)

And lest you think that I’m unfairly tarring an entire state on the basis of a single, isolated incident, perhaps you might take a look at this exclusive footage of the official, Florida State Board of Education-approved science curriculum.

Ok, so maybe I’m the only one speaking about it.

Except for (surprise, surprise!) a Republican congressman:

Concerned that the military is selling pornography in exchange stores in spite of a ban, one lawmaker has introduced a bill to clean up the matter.

“Our troops should not see their honor sullied so that the moguls behind magazines like Playboy and Penthouse can profit,” said Rep. Paul Broun, R-Ga., unveiling his House bill April 16.

His Military Honor and Decency Act would amend a provision of the 1997 Defense Authorization Act that banned sales of “sexually explicit material” on military bases.

The new language would “close existing loopholes” in regulations to bring the military “into compliance with the intent of the 1997 law,” Broun said.

“Allowing sale of pornography on military bases has harmed military men and women by escalating the number of violent, sexual crimes, feeding a base addiction, eroding the family as the primary building block of society, and denigrating the moral standing of our troops both here and abroad,” Broun said.

Broun said he wants to bring the Defense Department into compliance with the intent of the 1997 law “so that taxpayers will not be footing the costs of distributing pornography.”

Exchange officials noted that tax dollars are not used to procure magazines in the system’s largely self-funded operations.

But Broun’s spokesman John Kennedy contended that taxpayer dollars are involved — “used to pay military salaries, so taxpayer money is, in effect, being used to buy these materials,” he said.

(link via TBogg)

I suppose it would be redundant of me to point out the unmitigated lunacy of a political party which believes that torturing prisoners doesn’t sully the troops’ honor and denigrate their moral standing, but looking at skin mags does. So I won’t point that out.

Instead let’s tackle the bigger issue here: why are Republicans so COMPLETELY, UTTERLY FULL OF SHIT? Why does every self-appointed Republican moral guardian eventually end up sending lewd emails to his underage staffers, writing about sex with falafels, heading to the Caribbean for a weekend of Viagra n’ jailbait, or striking a “wide stance” in a public men’s room? Given the proven track record of his peers and hysterical tone of Rep. Broun’s moral outrage, I fully expect him to eventually be found hogtied in a wetsuit with foreign objects shoved up his you-know-where.

Whoops, looks like another Republican beat him to it.

Huh huh. I said “beat.” Huh huh huh huh huh…

Many centuries ago, our ancestors first arrived on these shores, filled with hope that here, at last, was a place where they could practice their religion without discrimination. In the long years that followed, they endured prejudice, reprisals, threats, intimidation, even the occasional pogrom. Through it all, they clung tenaciously to their faith, buoyed by the belief that someday, their Faith would attain the level of respect and academic legitimacy that it so richly deserved.

At least, that day is here!

While the five academics drew laughs while discussing topics like meatballs, pirates and “saucy baptisms,” they spent most of the time discussing how the faith illuminates their own debates over the secular versus the profane, the fake versus the real, and the roles of communities and parody in religion.

Conference organizers received “hateful” e-mail and voice messages from Christians offended by Monday’s panel, said Northwestern University religious-studies professor Sarah Taylor. Whether other religious leaders agree the Flying Spaghetti Monster deserved such a forum is unclear: The panel drew an audience of only a hundred.

One panel member defended the discussion. “Most people don’t think we’re serious. They just keep saying, ‘You’re having a lot of fun,’” said University of Florida graduate student Samuel Snyder. “Yes, we’re having a blast. But … this is quite serious, too.”

Reaction to public disclosure of the spaghetti deity’s existence has ranged from hysterical laughter to staid criticism. “It is a serious offense to mock God,” wrote one Kansas state school-board member.

As if you needed any further proof that Pastafarianism has arrived as a true and proper Faith, we offer the following incontrovertible evidence. We feel this photo speaks for itself.

Lord knows, we have nothing but respect for the profound wisdom of Fox News patriot and intrepid culture warrior Bill O’Reilly. However, when he recently declared the War on Christmas™ over and himself the victor, he may have, sadly, been a tiny bit premature.

We have recently acquired irrefutable photographic evidence of the latest tactic by which the Mexislamicommunohomofascists and their Liberal allies will attempt to destroy Christmas and America. It is our sad duty to inform you that, within mere hours, God’s Favorite Country™ will be under attack by legions of

ANGRY MONKEYS IN SANTA SUITS!

Above: the enemies of America, Jesus, and Freedom. In fact, many of their native countries are MUSLIM. Coincidence? We think not!

Great Zombie Jesus, it looks like Christianity is, yet again, under dire attack from the insidious forces of The Gay Agenda!

(Awesome pic via Badtux)

For those of you who may not know, The Gay Agenda is a fiendish supervillain who works 24-7 to turn all of America’s God-fearing children gayer than the Mayor of Gaytown. This insidious character has many weapons: in addition to zapping people with his Gay Laser of Gayness, he also works his dastardly plots through his allies in the Big Gay Evil Liberal Media.

Luckily, however, Rev. James Dobson is here to protect us from the terrifying menace of gay penguins:

Candi Cushman, education analyst for Focus on the Family Action, said the complaints over books are well-founded.

“Most of these books don’t end up actually being removed,” she told Family News in Focus. “The few that do end up being removed are being removed mostly because they have sexual themes or are explicit.”

The book that topped the list this year was And Tango Makes Three, the story of “gay” penguins. It’s the second year in a row that a book with gay themes drew the most ire from parents.

“Parents have a right to object to their kids being exposed to material that they don’t feel like their child is psychologically prepared to handle,” Cushman said.

Unfortunately, these days, the allies of The Gay Agenda multiply faster than the offspring of “abstinence only” sex ed graduates. Chief among those who thirst to destroy America: J.K. Rowling! It wasn’t enough for this wanton trollop to write books specifically intended to turn children into Jesus-hatin’ witches. Nooo, she had to go and announce that one of her main characters is a homo:

Clearly, this Bride of Satan loathes Christanity with every twisted fiber of her being, and will stop at nothing to destroy it. Will no one answer the call to save our omnipotent, omniscient Lord and Creator from the dire threat to His very existence posed by the vile machinations of children’s book authors?

Yes, one man will. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Don Surber, Defender of Jeebus. Onward, brave, brave columnist! You do America proud, sir.

The Good News:
Congratulations, Knights Templar! You’ve been cleared of heresy charges by the Catholic Church!

The Bad News:
This exoneration comes 700 years after you were burned at the stake. Whoops, sorry!

The Ridiculous:
The Vatican will be selling reproductions of the documents from the Templar trial for $8,377 per copy. I know what I want for Christmas!

The Even More Ridiculous:
“Descendants” of the original Templars are demanding a public apology from the Pope.

Are you serious? It took these people almost 800 years to apologize for the Inquisition, and 459 years to admit that the Earth does, indeed, orbit the sun. And you think they’re gonna say sorry to your dumb asses?

In a related story, after reading the decidedly banal and non-mystical first hand accounts of the Templar trial, Dan Brown was seen weeping hysterically over a pile of cancelled book contracts.