SemiConscious Dot Org

17

Only seventeen? That’s it??!?!? Fer chrissakes, you just know that Dick Cheney beats up 17 five year olds every morning before breakfast.

If I had any honor, I would now commit ritual seppuku to atone for the shame I’ve brought upon myself and my family.

It has long been a favorite pastime of lousy traitors who want the terrorists to win liberals to point out the crashing ignorance of Americans concerning the entire rest of the world outside our borders. Well, here’s your chance to prove those nogoodniks wrong and point out that America still excels in the production of something besides war, death and senseless destruction – namely, mad geography skillz!

Yup, to shut those rotten Frenchmen up, all you have to do is take this test. It’s simple, really: you name as many countries as you can in five minutes. I could only get 85, but then I’m terrible typist, and the country names need to be spelled correctly or they don’t count. I’m betting that I’m probably the only person who took the test and remembered Nauru, Kiribati, and Tuvalu while simultaneously forgetting Spain, Italy, and, yup.

Offering you any hints or tips would be tantamount to cheating, but I’m a New England Patriots fan, so obviously I frickin’ loves me some cheatin.’ So here’s my advice: if you get stuck on remembering the spelling of Whogivesaflyingfuckistan or some other place we may or may not have bombed yet, consult this map.

Oh, and also, the clock starts counting down as soon as you click on the test page, so in the time you’ve spent reading these last few paragraphs, you’ve lost valuable seconds. Wicked sorry.

(test link via World O’ Crap)

Well, my parents will no doubt be pleased to know that the tens of thousands of dollars they borrowed so I could go to college and get a Political Science degree weren’t totally wasted:

It turns out I might stand a flying chance of passing the citizenship test!

Here are 15 questions among 100 currently used in a US citizenship test. To pass, one needs to answer 7 or 8 of 10 questions correctly. See how many of these you know. You can check your answer by clicking for the next page.

My fancy-schmancy college edumacation enabled me to answer 12 of the 15 questions in the quiz correctly. No, I won’t tell you which 12.

You know who I’d really like to see take this test?

Yeah, these pigfuckers, and all their buddies. In the happy world I envision, every one of those “Minuteman” douchebags would be forced to take the citizenship test as a condition of retaining their citizenship.

Without any prep time.

At gunpoint.

Failure resulting in immediate deportation. At gunpoint.

Hey, a boy can dream, can’t he?

I got nothin’. And as usual when I got nothin’, I go straight for the online personality quizzes. This is the best one I’ve seen yet. Take it and find out, once and for all, just how cool you really are.

(link via Technoccult)

Last Friday, when I had my weekly meeting with my director, she casually mentioned that I wouldn’t be getting paid out for any unused vacation days when I quit at the end of the school year. Apparently, it’s written into everyone’s contracts here: Use ‘Em or Lose ‘Em.

“Well, next week is Spring Break anyway,” I said. “See you in ten days.”

So here I sit on my couch on a drizzly Tuesday afternoon, watching documentary after documentary on the Science Channel, sipping away at a sixpack of Thunderhead IPA. Man, I love having fuck-all to do.

This seems as good a time as any for a link dump:

Seems there’s a lot of wailing and gnashing of teeth in the blogosphere about this newfangled Blogger’s Code of Ethics. Would widespread adoption of this code mean that it will no longer be acceptable to call David Gergen a retard? Does it mean I will no longer be allowed to refer to blowhard conservative pundits as Asshelmets? If treating jackasses with the scorn they so richly deserve is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

And speaking of jackasses: obviously, it’s now beyond all doubt that George W. Bush is our Worst President Ever™, but if John McCain somehow slithers his way into the Oval Office next year, Dubya may not hold that ignominious title for long. If you happen to be one of those poor folks still laboring under the delusion that McCain is an “independent maverick” who “possesses integrity,” I invite you to read this. God, what a soulless whore.

And speaking of soulless whores: 2006 may turn out to be the year when the Southern Strategy, the Republican Party’s (successful) 40 year quest to woo Dixiecrats by appealing to their innate bigotry, may have finally cost them the rest of the country. For the sake of this country’s future, I sure as hell hope so…

The Red Sox won their home opener today, 14-3 over the lowly Mariners. Ichiro struck out three times against the Sox, but he will nonetheless look great in Fenway next season, when he will be wearing a Boston uniform. I would feel sorry for the Mariners, since I have nothing against them, per se (in fact, I root for them whenever they’re not playing the Sox.) But after finding out they have the seventh largest payroll in baseball, my sympathy has disappeared. They don’t suck because they can’t compete financially with the big boys; they suck because their GM is a moron who signs crappy players.

And finally, just for shits and giggles, here’s another Personality Quiz.

Main Type	Overall Self

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

I remember taking this test once before, way back in the innocent, halcyon days, when people still labored under the quaint and touching childlike faith that the Interwebs would be used for something other than p0rn and stolen music and the eBays. Yesterday, I stumbled across the test again, and figured I would retake it to see if, in the intervening years, I had improved at all as a person and possibly become any less irredeemably Hellbound.

Nope.

The Dante’s Inferno Test has banished you to the Sixth Level of Hell – The City of Dis!

You approach Satan’s wretched city where you behold a wide plain surrounded by iron walls. Before you are fields full of distress and torment terrible. Burning tombs are littered about the landscape. Inside these flaming sepulchers suffer the heretics, failing to believe in God and the afterlife, who make themselves audible by doleful sighs. You will join the wicked that lie here, and will be offered no respite. The three infernal Furies stained with blood, with limbs of women and hair of serpents, dwell in this circle of Hell.

Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Wow, still a heretic. I’m assuming that comes as a profound shock to you all.

So who’s the Most Evil Person in the hizzle?

It started innocently enough, when we came across a link to a series of articles at Reverend Dobson’s website, offering helpful tips on spotting latent homosexuality in your preteen and heading off the insidious affliction before it can take root. Imagine, then, our horror when we looked at the list of homosexual “warning signs” and saw such items as

1. A strong feeling that they are “different” from other boys.

2. A tendency to cry easily, be less athletic, and dislike the roughhousing that other boys enjoy.

3. A persistent preference to play female roles in make-believe play.

4. A strong preference to spend time in the company of girls and participate in their games and other pastimes.

5. A susceptibility to be bullied by other boys, who may tease them unmercifully and call them “queer,” “fag” and “gay.”

Feeling different, disliking sports, and being bullied as a child make one gay? Good Lord! Everyone we know must be queer!

This terrifying revelation upset us so much that not even the soothing words of Saint O’Reilly or the latest wacky escapades of Umbert, the Talking Cartoon Fetus could cheer us up.

Luckily, however, like a Beacon in the Darkness, we stumbled across a site that promised to ease our confusion. The Biblical Worldview Test offers the Godly an assessment of their worthiness for Heaven, based upon their answers to a series of questions about politics, religion, and current events. At last! we thought in eager anticipation. A way to reassert our Christliness and ease our troubled mind.

Imagine, then, our shock and dismay upon taking the test and receiving our results:

Your classification is: Communist/Marxist/Socialist/Secular Humanist Worldview Thinker

Your score is: -49 points of 170 possible, -28%

Horror upon horror! In a test where 170 points equals a Guaranteed Express Ticket to Jeebusville, we scored negative forty nine!!! Hellbound! Why, if this test were true, we would be no better than those Godless Commie Liberals who viciously mock and slander mega-churches out of a mistaken assumption that football stadium-sized crowds and billions of dollars in income have nothing to do with Jesus.

However, we solved this apparent conundrum the way a good Conservative Christian always deals with issues that may contradict some tenet of their previously held faith: We decided, upon further reflection, that this test could not be what it purported to be, but must instead be a Trick of Satan, deliberately placed on the Internets to test our Faith.

Problem solved! Praise Nixon!

Your Inner European is Irish!

Sprited and boisterous! You drink everyone under the table.

Sure, and thot’s a big fookin’ surprise to all a’ ye, innit? (link via Studio Zoe.)